The odd personal post.
Oct. 7th, 2007 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beatriceeagleIt's funny.
I've turned a corner, with Joe. He died a little over four months ago, and for those first two and a half months, I thought of him constantly. It ruined writing camp, because it was all I could think about and all I could write about, and I had panic attacks and freaked out all of my friends there. And then even after camp, when I got home and I had all that time on my hands...I didn't have a very good summer.
And somewhere in my mind, I set the beginning of school as the point where I would stop thinking about it so much. It was irrational, it was futile, but I did it anyway. I counted down minutes waiting for school, because I thought, "If I can just be doing schoolwork, if I can just be with my friends, it won't be so bad." And of course it didn't work that way. I spent the first week of school crazed with worry that I'd have a panic attack in class, and the rest of the time, I'd still think about him. All day, every day.
But recently I've realized...I go days without thinking of him, now. I mean, I still think of him every day. Several times a day. And it's still always a part of my worldview, now. I still kind of measure things up against his death. But I can go the entire school day without really thinking about the fact that he's dead.
Now, it just turns up in weird places. Watching old episodes of Criminal Minds and getting to a victim's family member. Reading a newspaper article about a girl who was killed in another school district. I put a lot more time into thinking about those people, now.
And you know, the thing about grief? It's exhausting. I feel like I need a summer vacation again, a real one, because I'm just so tired. And I'm still sad. Just...differently. More slowly, almost.
And now that I'm grieving more slowly, I think it's time to do other things more quickly again. So I'm going to homecoming, even though I didn't go freshman or sophomore year. And I'm doing a playwriting apprenticeship, and maybe I won't write about Joe. Or maybe I will.
I've turned a corner, with Joe. He died a little over four months ago, and for those first two and a half months, I thought of him constantly. It ruined writing camp, because it was all I could think about and all I could write about, and I had panic attacks and freaked out all of my friends there. And then even after camp, when I got home and I had all that time on my hands...I didn't have a very good summer.
And somewhere in my mind, I set the beginning of school as the point where I would stop thinking about it so much. It was irrational, it was futile, but I did it anyway. I counted down minutes waiting for school, because I thought, "If I can just be doing schoolwork, if I can just be with my friends, it won't be so bad." And of course it didn't work that way. I spent the first week of school crazed with worry that I'd have a panic attack in class, and the rest of the time, I'd still think about him. All day, every day.
But recently I've realized...I go days without thinking of him, now. I mean, I still think of him every day. Several times a day. And it's still always a part of my worldview, now. I still kind of measure things up against his death. But I can go the entire school day without really thinking about the fact that he's dead.
Now, it just turns up in weird places. Watching old episodes of Criminal Minds and getting to a victim's family member. Reading a newspaper article about a girl who was killed in another school district. I put a lot more time into thinking about those people, now.
And you know, the thing about grief? It's exhausting. I feel like I need a summer vacation again, a real one, because I'm just so tired. And I'm still sad. Just...differently. More slowly, almost.
And now that I'm grieving more slowly, I think it's time to do other things more quickly again. So I'm going to homecoming, even though I didn't go freshman or sophomore year. And I'm doing a playwriting apprenticeship, and maybe I won't write about Joe. Or maybe I will.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 07:21 am (UTC)*hugs back*
no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 03:00 am (UTC)are you going to homecoming with anybody? cause if kirsten isn't coming I'll go with you and we'll have to fill out paperwork cause Fox Chapel has legal/mental problems.
also, when or if I ever get a car, we should drive somewhere. I know what you mean about the whole real vacation thing. you deserve one :]
no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 07:20 am (UTC)Also, I can drive in a month. And there is a very old but very awesome car in my future. I think we should probably never be allowed out on the road together, though. We'd almost certainly destroy something.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-11 04:02 am (UTC)